


In The Darkness, I Will Meet My Creators

by cellard00rs



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Deathfic, Drifting, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-26
Updated: 2013-07-26
Packaged: 2017-12-21 09:33:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/898716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cellard00rs/pseuds/cellard00rs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Newton doesn't have much time left. Hermann drifts with him until the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In The Darkness, I Will Meet My Creators

Raleigh Becket’s expression is one of sad disapproval, “It’s a bad idea.”

“I am aware, Mr. Becket. However, I would ask that you please detail your experience if possible. While I do not wish to cause you any undue pain this is important.”

He shakes his head, “What happened with Yancy and I…it was unexpected. What you’re talking about,” he licks his lips, “You could die with him.”

“If so then that is a sacrifice I am willing to make.”

Raleigh’s eyes widen, “You can’t be serious.”

Doctor Hermann Gottlieb’s lips twitch but it is not a smile. It could never be a smile, “Clearly you do not know me very well, Mr. Becket.”

“I can’t…” he trails off, shaking his head but Hermann is insistent, “I am aware of the risks and you should be well aware that I do not seek, nor require, your blessing for this endeavor. I am going to do this whether you help me or not. However, your insight would be greatly appreciated.”

Raleigh is silent. Hermann does his best to stand up straight despite his cane, despite the ache that shoots down his leg and his spine at the action, “Please.”

Letting out a heavy breath, Raleigh nods.

§

Not long now.

That’s what the Doctors and Nurses have told him.

Hermann has always had a gift when it comes to mathematical equations, to numbers, to timing things out, to prediction. He knows far better than they do and their vague ‘not long now’ is an insufficient answer. He could do the work, could pattern it all out in perfect calculation but why bother when he has chosen this path, this method, this course of action which is so very like that of the man lying comatose before him.

Doctor Newton Geiszler’s glasses are folded up and resting on a nearby table. Hermann looks at them, picks them up to turn them over in his hands. He then looks at the thin, prostrate figure before him – face pale, lifeless – body far, far too thin and somehow smaller than ever before. Hermann puts the glasses down and knows he has made the right decision as he draws a chair close. He pulls out the equipment needed and checks to make sure everything is in order.

The Pons setup he has with him is a little more refined than what Newton first used when he linked with the Kaiju but it is still rudimentary at best. After all, the Pons was never meant to be so mobile. Still, it will get the job done and that is all Hermann cares about. He carefully places the squid cap over Newton’s head, making sure it is firmly attached.

If he takes a moment to be sentimental and brush his fingers along Newton’s cheek, who is to know? Newton, perhaps, in a moment – but Hermann is fine with that. He then puts on his own squid cap and resumes his seat. He holds the switch that will activate the neural handshake in his right hand, thumb hovering over the button. Before he presses it he reaches up with his left hand to find one of Newton’s wrists. He tugs on the other scientist’s limp hand until their fingers intertwine.

He pushes the button.

§

He’s in the lab.

He can walk.

Obviously his cane is not needed in the Drift.

He had expected the usual onslaught of memories, of emotions, but instead he just gets this.

The lab.

And Newton working away at some Kajiu specimen as if nothing is amiss. When Newton looks up and sees him, Hermann finds he has to suck in a breath, has to ignore the momentary blurring of his vision. Newton is hale and hearty and _whole_. 

His tattoos are vibrant, his skin flushed with life, glasses in place, eyes clear and bright. He takes off his surgical gloves, which seconds ago had been buried deep within Kajiu entrails, and tosses them aside (towards Hermann’s blackboard). He walks over with a bounce in his step, “Hermann?”

Hermann swallows thickly, “Yes.”

Newton frowns, “What are you doing here?”

He tries to think about how best to answer that and can only manage a stuffy, “Whatever do you mean?”

This is met with an eye roll, “Oh, really? That’s how you’re going to play this? Come on, dude. Clearly we’re drifting. But, y’know, neither of us is chasing the rabbit, ‘cause this isn’t a memory. This is the now. The now in my mind at any rate. Not that that’s going to last, I’m sure. Last I remember one of those sour faced nurses was _actually_ giving me the wobbling lower lip thing. This tells me that my prognosis is no good and now if you’re here and we’re doing this…”

“How-how are we doing this?” Hermann asks and hates how shaky it comes out.

Newton shrugs, “Dunno. But then, not many people have drifted with someone in a coma who’s on their way to the boneyard.”

Hermann scowls, “I wish you wouldn’t put it that way.”

“You _prefer_ deathbed?”

“I prefer _neither_.” Hermann hisses and Newton has the decency to look a little ashamed. He scratches at the back of his head, “Yeah, yeah…me too.”

They look at one another then at their feet. Newton lets out a heavy sigh, “So…don’t think I have too long. Mean, I’m no expert but I just…feel it. You know,” he taps the side of his head, “In here.”

Hermann says so quietly it is almost a whisper, “My research…my calculations…”

He trails off because none of that is right, none of that is the truth and considering this is going to be the last time for it he curses in German and confesses, “No, that’s not…that is a _lie_. I felt it, Newton. I felt it because of our…connection.”

“And we’re connected now,” Newton points out, “Which is a bad idea. When I go, my mind goes. You don’t want to be attached to me when that happens, Hermann.”

“Mm, yes, Mr. Becket told me as much.”

Newton raises an eyebrow, “You spoke with Becket about this?”

“It was the most logical course of action. Regardless, while you have both voiced your concerns I am choosing to ignore them. I will not leave you, Newton. I am with you. Until the end.”

Newton blinks and sits and suddenly the environment around them changes, shifts, becomes something else entirely. And Hermann doesn’t know if it is because of the Drift or because they’re in Newton’s mind or their joined minds or…he doesn’t know. It just changes.

Now they’re both outside on a grassy knoll. The sea stretches out before them – cold and endless. The sound of lapping waves clear, the wind warm and bittersweet as it cards through both of their hair. Newton sits and Hermann sits down next to him. Off in the distance is a strange roar and Hermann frowns at it. Newton grins, “It’s a Kaiju. Specifically Dzilar. Man, he had a sweet sound.”

“I trust he is not coming our way?”

Newton shakes his head, “No. Just thought it made nice mood music.”

“You are the strangest, most ridiculous imbecile to ever walk the earth.”

“To _have_ ever walked the earth.” Newton corrects, “I won’t be walking-”

“No,” Hermann breathes out, a sharp interruption, “No, no. Stop.”

“Hermann…”

“I would ask that you kindly shut up, Doctor Geiszler.”

Newton does his best to sound light, “Aw! Come on! A few minutes ago we were going with Newton non-stop! Thought maybe I’d finally get you to call me Newt and now we’re back to ‘Doctor Geiszler’?”

“That is what I call you when I am very cross with you.”

“Oh?” Newton grins, “And what about when you are very enamored with me?”

“Enamored?”

Newton shrugs; “Thought I’d use the kind of pompous word you go for.”

“Who says I have ever been enamored with you?”

“Wellllll,” he drags out, “You are in my mind, drifting with me until I’m gone. And you could very well not make it yourself, so, you know…you’re the math guy. Two plus two usually equals four.”

Hermann looks at him and Newton looks right back. They very rarely made eye contact in real life and now here they were, staring into one another eyes, minds well and truly locked. Hermann whispers, “I’m sorry.”

Newton’s eyes widen and he’s just about to start crowing about how he should record this for posterity when Hermann rushes on, “After we defeated the Kaiju, after the Shatterdome shut down I left. I just…left.”

Newton’s momentary look of triumph vanishes at those words and still Hermann continues, “I should have stayed. I should have spoken with you. I should have…we should have…”

“Hermann…it’s okay.”

“No,” Hermann hisses hotly, “It’s not! It is not! I should have been more responsible but after our experience I was...and you were…and I couldn’t…”

Hermann lets out a frustrated growl and rubs at his face, hands scrambling through his hair, “I was afraid! I was a coward! I was worried about what you had seen in the Drift, about what you had seen in my mind. I was worried you knew how I felt about you and that you would not reciprocate it and I worried that you would not want someone broken, someone damaged and so I fled and then you did not follow and then…when Mako contacted me and told me that you were, that you were…”

Newton cups Hermann’s face in his hands and kisses him. It is the first time. They’re lips slot perfectly against one another. Warm and tingling and slightly wet but also surreal in quality, dreamlike and when Newton pulls back he shakes his head, “Shame we never got to do that before now.”

Hermann throws his arms around Newton’s neck and hugs him close, “We can. We can.”

Newton shakes his head and pulls away, “No. Sorry. But, mean…at least we had that. And this.”

“This?”

“Yeah. How many people get the chance to say goodbye?”

Hermann finally breaks. He can’t help it. It has been building within him ever since he heard about everything and a choked sob escapes him, “I don’t want to.”

“I know.”

“Newt…I love you.”

“Well, what do you know? You finally got my name right. Guess the world really is ending.”

Hermann is crying openly now and Newton tugs him close, “Hey, hey…shh. Don’t do that. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Guess I’m just a bit scared. But I’m glad you’re here. And I love you too.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. And I never thought you were damaged or broken. An analytical asshole, sure. But nothing else.”

Hermann can’t help the watery laugh that leaves him and Newton kisses him again. A bright light suddenly begins to shine and it becomes harder and harder to see. Newton sighs against his lips, “I’m afraid it’s time for me to go.”

“Newt…”

“I’ll be waiting for you. And when you get there? We’ll own it.”

§

Hermann wakes up as if from a dream. It was nothing like Raleigh warned it might be. But then Yancy’s passing had been swift and traumatic. This had been like slipping into a warm bath but Newton’s hand is now cold in his.

Hermann lets it go. He gently removes the skull caps and puts the Pons away. He kisses Newton on the forehead, takes his glasses, and picks up his cane. The pain in his leg is nowhere close to the pain in his heart.

**Author's Note:**

> Title for this fic comes from the song 'Smother' by Daughter. It also inspired my writing. This was an answer to a Pacific Kink meme prompt: _One of them is ill or injured and is scared of dying alone. The other Drifts with him to keep him company until he's gone._
> 
> I'm surprised too that my first fic for this fandom was angst! Maybe something happier next time! All mistakes are my own and if you wish, you may visit me on tumblr (http://cellard00rs.tumblr.com/).


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